Mom Central: FAQs
Welcome to Mom Central! While your mom is currently unavailable, we realize you probably have a burning, super urgent question that absolutely cannot wait. We value your time and questions, so we’ve included a list of frequently asked questions below. Please check to see if your question is listed and answered below. If not, feel free to leave Mom a message.
Just kidding. No messages accepted. You’ll have to ask your question later. Or, Heaven forbid, GO ASK YOUR FATHER!
Thanks for your inquiry.
Frequently Asked Questions:
When’s dinner?
Whenever I feel like fixing it. If you ask again, I won’t fix it until tomorrow.
What’s for dinner?
Cereal. Just cereal. DRY cereal. We’re out of milk. Or, you’re welcome to make a grass salad from the backyard lawn. Either way, help yourself.
Can I have a snack?
Sure! Help yourself. You can eat whatever you want, but you have to eat it outside. For the next three hours.
I’m bored. What can I do?
I’m so glad you asked! The dishwasher needs unloading and the laundry needs folding. I really appreciate the help!
Can I have some friends over to spend the night?
Absolutely! Currently, our going rate is $50 per night, per person. Additionally, guests are responsible for bringing their own food. However, residents (like you!) receive a special discounted price of only $10 per night. You’re welcome.
We’re out of bottled water. What can I drink?
There’s a functioning hose outside. Or, if worse comes to worse, you can obtain a cup from the cabinet and utilize our indoor water source (AKA the kitchen faucet).
Really? Do I have to?
No, babe. You sure don’t. I would never want to force you to obey someone who is significantly wiser, richer, and more powerful than you. Plus, I would never want to deprive you of the opportunity to make your own choices. Please feel free to make your own decision. Your choices include (but are limited to):
a. Do what I asked you to do. Now. Quietly. With a smile.
b. Go live outside.
Mom!!! He’s eating my chips!! Will you make him stop?!?
Thank you for registering your complaint. Someone will get back to you within 48 hours. However, please be advised: all thieves AND tattle-tales will be punished equally. Feel free to withdraw your complaint and solve the problem on your own.
Mom? Mooommm?? MOOOOOOOOMMMM???
Unfortunately, this question is ambiguous and therefore will most likely remained unacknowledged unless you can calmly provide additional clarity. For a more prompt response or resolution, we recommend you stop, take several deep breaths, and go find your father.
